Decades.

I don't remember the last day I was in single digits.

Apparently it was a Tuesday. I would have just started in 6ème in a brand new collège in Paris. I would have just met my best friend, and already annoyed her because of an orange card holder I'd taken from her and couldn't replace. I think she hated me at first.

I liked starting middle school. I hadn't enjoyed the last year of primary school, my last teacher didn't like me and was always putting me down and telling me that I "wasn't that smart". People were nice in the new school - and thought that I was, in fact, that smart - and although I was the youngest in my class by a lot, it felt like a good place to be in. Better than home, at any rate.

But anyway, I don't remember that day at all.

--

I don't remember the last day of my teens. At all. 

I hardly remember my 20th birthday. I think my brother invited me to a Canadian restaurant to eat salmon by the Isère river in Grenoble. We'd just rekindled after years of not talking to each other after I'd left Paris in a rush. Or was that my 21st birthday? I have no idea.

It was a lonely and stressful time - I was poor, often unhappy, and didn't really settle into student life until I found out what I'd do with my life, and that took quite a few more years (and a PhD).

 --

I definitely remember the last day of my 20s. Both my cousin and my lovely friend and former Bristol flatmate had made the trip to Edinburgh. We went to celebrate my "passing into old age" with a whole group of lab friends at a Mongolian restaurant in Leith, where they managed to make me cry because they had made a mix up in the reservations, and I was so overwhelmed. How typical. I hadn't realised then that I was autistic... The following day, we went to have lunch and a walk around Calton hill - it was very windy and I was very happy. Life was hopeful then. It feels so long ago. 20 years ago!

--

I don't quite remember the last day of my 30s. 

I was very pregnant with Flora, and about to leave a job that had been my life for forever. I didn't quite know what I was jumping into, and how hard the next chapter was about to be.

Apparently it was a Friday, so I supposed I'd spend the day in the lab. I remember my 40th birthday dinner though, my then partner had ordered lots of sushi, Errol was overexcited, and 3 of my favourite lab friends had come to celebrate with me.

--

Anyway, today is the last day of my 40s.

I'm 50 tomorrow.

How the fuck did that happen?

Boundaries.

Things I have recently finally stopped doing:

- being helpful to people who don't actually like me. They might have liked my kindness, my talent for listening or that I'd bent over backwards to make sure they were comfortable. But I'm actually someone, not just a service, so yeah, nope.

- chasing after people who don't actually like me. It's ok, I'm taking care of my belonging wound. I'm finding my people. It's allowed to not like me.

- centering men, their experience, their comfort, their advice, or their point of view. It's just not relevant to my life. And being relevant to my life is obviously what ought to matter to me.

- caring about being perfect and morally irreproachable 100% of the time. It's a very hard one, and goes against all my autistic instincts. But fuck that.

Clearly, the unmasking process is on its way.

Peace or privilege.

Resist silence.

Refuse neutrality.

It's not because it's not your fault that it's not your problem.

Poetry 101

Me, feeling pretty ill: I think I'm feverish. Actually , I was super thirsty AND sweating so much during orienteering this morning, it was weird. 

My 8 year-old daughter: You mean, if sweat was the waves, you were the sea?

I mean, hurray for her creative writing sessions with our poet home-ed mum friend...

Undiagnosed

I will not drink water out of a mug. Unless camping.

I will not drink coffee out of a transparent glass. No exception.

I won't use anything that's yellow. And if I must, I will wince.

I don't seem to make myself heard when I talk to health professionals.

I explain that I'm overwhelmed, which leads to me getting anxious. They say are you sure the anxiety isn't causing the overwhelm?

I'm sure. 

But now I'm also dysregulated and will soon cry, so you'll assume I'm depressed.

I'm not: I'm overwhelmed.

I need a shower. Every single morning. Not showering in the morning is hell. Having to interact with anyone before a shower is hell. Please let me shower.

Please stop rubbing your feet on the carpet. Or on the sofa. Actually just stop moving your feet. Maybe even stop moving at all? This is unbearable.

How did I get into a discussion about the spliceosome with my 12 year old while clearing the dinner table? And how didn't he know the concept of exons & introns?

Leaving the house is always a panic.

I mean, the actual leaving.

The checking and double checking I didn't forget anything, the looking for my phone / keys / whatever essential item that surely someone must have moved from its designated place for fuck's sake, the rage rising... oh, it was there all along, in my right pocket, the shame rising, the absolute need to pee no matter what, even if I don't actually *need* to pee, the time ticking, the remembering the kids' sun glasses, the sending the WhatsApp message to warn we're leaving, the setting the right playlist, the setting Google maps. 

Panic over. 

With Google maps, the panic stops.

I have recently found the miracle cure to my anxiety: the kids and I each building our own Lego set while watching old episodes of Star Trek, sat on the sofa. 

It's peak happiness, honestly.

Unfortunately, Lego isn't available on the NHS.

Overstimulation is overwhelming.

Understimulation is overwhelming. 

Any onion smell is overwhelming.

Any succession of tasks is overwhelming.

Asking for help is overwhelming.

Being denied help is overwhelming.

Having to explain is overwhelming.

"Oh, you're lucky, you're always so organised!"

Time to be awesome*

Le truc, c'est que je me suis éteinte. 

Je me suis effacée, comme la plupart des femmes / mères. C'est d'une banalité tellement affligeante que ça en devient très embarassant. Parce que bon internalised victim blaming is a thing. Et donc je me retrouve à avoir honte d'être devenue moi. D'avoir vieilli éteinte et effacée, de ne pas m'être respectée. D'avoir pensé que mes sacrifices avaient du mérite, alors qu'ils n'étaient que le résultat d'un conditionnement patriarcal. 

Rien de plus, rien de moins.

Il y a eu plusieurs phases, biensur.

La phase où je me suis convaincue que son bien-être était prioritaire au mien. En m'illusionant - surement c'etait reciproque, surement c'était ça, l'amour.

La phase où je me suis convaincue que j'etais juste hystérique et ridicule.

La phase où je me suis convaincue que mon sommeil & ma santé étaient de l'ordre du luxe. Ou de l'égoisme. Sans jamais questioner SON droit absolu au "luxe".

La phase où je me suis convaincue que j'étais privilégiée de passer 100% de mon temps avec mes enfants, meme si ça signifiait aucun moment de répit - juste une douche le matin.

La phase où je me suis convaincue qu'il avait raison, j'étais une profiteuse qui avait tout ce qu'elle voulait et qui controlait tout - sans m'apercevoir qu'évidemment, quand on est responsible de tout, on doit faire tous les choix.

La phase où j'ai commencé à réaliser le piège dans lequel j'étais tombée, mais je n'avais plus les resources financières pour m'échapper, profiteuse que j'avais été.

La phase où je me suis convaincue que je protégeais les enfants en restant - ne pas briser leur famille, ne pas quitter la belle maison.

La phase où je me suis convaincue que je pouvais survivre jusqu'à ce que les enfants soient plus grands - jusqu'à ce que je me retrouve à envisager un accident de voiture salvateur - mettre fin à ces sacrifices trop lourds.

Sauf que j'ai enfin trouvé une sortie. Que ce n'était pas moi qu'il fallait éliminer de ma vie, mais lui. J'ai mis plus de 15 ans à arriver à cette conclusion logique. La seule conclusion.

Et j'ai honte de ma lenteur. 

J'ai honte de ne pas avoir réalisé ce qui m'arrivait.

Je me croyais pourtant intelligente.

Internalised victim blaming, donc.

En fait, j'étais un etre humain aussi.

Shocker, I know.

Et même si je continue à passer 100% de mon temps avec mes enfants, (1) ils ont grandi, leurs besoins ont changé et (2) il n'est plus là pour me critiquer constamment.

Et donc j'essaie de me rallumer.

J'essaie de ravaler ma honte.

Ou plutot, j'essaie de la recracher. De m'en debarasser, ou de m'en décorer. D'en faire une armure, ou juste un bouclier.

J'ai 48 ans dans une semaine, et je me réveille à peine.

What the fuck happened?

* Yes, this refers to a My Little Pony song. There is much to be inspired from what my children listen to!

Freedom

At last.

16.5 years later, I can breathe freely again. 

I can just be me.

Not his support worker,

not his shrink,

not his housekeeper,

not his emotional punchbal.

Not anymore.

I can just be me.

I really thought I was stuck for another decade.

I didn't want to live through another decade.

The constant criticising, 

belittling, 

gaslighting, 

tone-policing. 

Not anymore.

The being transparent, 

not really human,

just a function,

an inconvenience,

free domestic & emotional labour,

doing everything but nothing.

Not anymore.

I can just be me!

Never enough.

Perfection is not reachable. Yet it's the only way I've ever been afforded.

Every single mistake, every single weakness, every single dip in energy level seems to result in so much outrage.

How dare you be human?

How dare you have needs and struggles?

And if I ever end up in a meltdown - the consequences have often been catastrophic.

I'm so tired of this constant double standard, of what I can expect vs what's expected of me. The discrepancy is so wild it's unbelievable.

I've been groomed since childhood to fulfil this shitty role. Fucking patriarchy.

---

My #1 quality? Being reliable.

I am this over-functioning, self-sufficient, multitasking, hypervigilant quiet woman.

I'm not fun. I'm not entertaining. I'm not loud. I'm not attractive. I'm not even interesting any more. 

I'm just very, very tired.

But reliable.

---

She just fell asleep alone, in a different room, for the very first time ever. 

There's no need for tears, she's 7.

And yet.

It's so much more bitter than sweet right now.

---

Maybe it's not about being reliable. 

Maybe it's about being indispensable so that I don't get forgotten.

---

Maybe it's not about being flawless.

No, fuck that, this one is not on me. 

Groomed.

Fucking patriarchy.

Choose happiness. Or not.

Choose an easy life. Choose fun. Choose local. Choose to not wait for better things to come, choose to not be patient, choose to not accept any struggles, choose to not accept the temporary difficulties.

Because you were never going to choose me. I was never going to be enough.

Confidentiel.

Finalement, c'était peut-être que.

Et c'est assez extraordinaire.

Tellement que je n'y crois pas vraiment. Ou que j'y crois trop.

Je sais déja plus.

20 ans à pleurer en refusant d'écouter cette phrase.

J'avais oublié.

J'étais résignée.

J'étais satisfaite, aussi.

Parce que la vie est faite d'états d'équilibre imparfaits, mais satisfaisants.

Parce que le vent, le vert, les enfants, le quotidien. 

Parce que c'était chouette aussi, cette vie résignée. Cette tranquilité d'esprit, enfin. 

Et puis tout à coup, une discussion, une mise au point, une réalisation, et je tombe à pic.

Sauf que je ne suis plus libre de sauter. Sauf que c'est impossible, une impasse. Et tout à coup, la vie recommence à me piquer les yeux. 

Parce que, finalement, ça risque d'être peut-être pas.

Et c'est juste insupportable.